It’s been six months since I left my job as a news anchor.
As you can imagine, I’ve done a lot of self reflection, and jotting down the memories I’ve been holding onto. Now, I’m free to share them.
This one is a long one… a vulnerable reflection about some of the people I used to work with and how they changed me.
Everything I’m not makes me everything I am.
Before Kanye went weird, he wrote one of my favorite hip hop songs. I know every word.
It has never meant anything to me other than a Kanye song I really liked: track 10 on the Graduation album.
When I reminisce about the hardest years working in news, it always comes down to the people who made my experience better… and those who made it worse.
My hardest years were never about the workload and low pay (although those were major issues, too) or politics and the depressing headlines. It was never about the mean comments from viewers.
The hard years were always about the people around me.
I’m a firm believer that you can tolerate a job when you like your coworkers. I learned that at a summer job at a clothing store in the early 2000s. When I was on shift with the girls I liked, the job was (almost) fun. When I was scheduled with one specific assistant manager, I was practically in tears at the end of the shift.
She was miserable and made everyone around her miserable.
The same thing happened in news. Some of my best friends were made in newsrooms.
And then, there were the miserable people.
These are the people who changed me for the better because they set the blueprint for how not to treat people. I learned quickly that I never wanted to be like them.
Who we are not is who we become. Thanks, Kanye. I guess.
JEALOUSY
In a few scenarios, I was the ‘up and comer’ in a newsroom with women who had been in the game for awhile. Quite simply, I was a threat.
But, I really wasn’t. I was a golden retriever chasing a butterfly while the dog show is happening inside.
I had confidence on air, but behind the scenes, I didn’t take myself seriously. I was a newbie. I like to think I am a hard worker, honest, consistent. But I’m also a recovering people pleaser and conflict avoidant and unaggressive.
These are NOT traits that make a strong journalist. You need someone who will be a bulldog for the story. Who isn’t afraid to speak up and hold their ground. If I wasn’t feeling the story and didn’t really care about the issue at hand, I wasn’t going to stick my neck out.
I was in it because I have strong camera presence. I’m nosey as hell. I have good intuition and I’m quick under pressure. But competitive? I am not.
Good on air, bad on the news-gathering front. Get it?
It didn’t matter, though. I was a threat to at least three anchors my senior. (I’m referring to the anchors as ‘they’ to stay gender neutral)
In one instance, I was iced out. The anchor stopped talking to me when they smelled change brewing. I begged management to help me. They didn’t.
Instead, I experienced the most vicious form of passive aggression while I was still trying to maintain on-air chemistry. It was the darkest time of my career.
“It was the darkest time of my career.”
In another instance, an anchor told coworkers I had been conspiring behind the scenes with managers to get them pushed off the anchor desk. This is ABSOLUTELY ludicrous. As if managers ever listened to me and my wishes?! (See above)
Years later, I heard they were still telling people I ran the station into the ground when I became anchor.
Looking back, it’s laughable that they thought I was this powerful; as if I controlled who was hired and fired and could control an entire newsroom’s success.
Those experiences were hurtful. So, so hurtful.
In the final instance, I learned from the past and decided to nip it in the bud. I had a private conversation with an anchor to make sure they knew I had nothing to do with managers’ decisions. This time, I wanted to get ahead of it. Thankfully, that anchor was incredibly gracious because the anchor change-up didn’t have to do with talent. It had to do with contracts and pay. (Simply put: I was cheaper.)
I will go to my grave knowing I never wanted someone’s job. Management made their own decisions that didn’t involve my input. If there was input by me, I always advocated for the person in the position. ALWAYS. Besides being a team player, I know news viewers don’t like change. News anchors are essentially joining viewers inside their homes! It’s personal. Unless someone is failing at their job, I don’t believe there’s a reason to shake up news talent.
Even now, it’s painful. Mostly, because I shrunk myself. In 90% of closed-door meetings I went docile. I shut up. How can I be quieter, smaller? Less threatening?
(I feel like I need to add a footnote here: None of these stories were from my Hartford days.)
What this taught me: Don’t misplace your anger. Never be jealous about your coworkers. It makes you ugly. Be a team player. Be kind.
MacLeod, Erin and me in the early days of my time at KULR8. We look so young! These two became instant friends of mine.
VANITY
It’s no secret that women have to maintain a certain appearance as a news anchor. That’s obvious. It was my least favorite part of the job.
I saw women practically starve themselves. I saw colleagues undergo cosmetic procedures that kept them off the desk for several days because they couldn’t show their face. (How ironic that the very women who would go head-to-head with the men to prove they were intellectually stronger were also going to great lengths to shrink themselves and take up less physical space?)
When I was pregnant, my whole body was pregnant. You could tell from my nose to my toes that I was growing a human. But, I had two very healthy, unremarkable pregnancies and I have two beautiful, healthy girls.
One day when I walked into the newsroom, a coworker said to me: “Wow! Sara! Are you sure you’re not having twins?”
I laughed nicely. No, I’m just miserable, thank you.
“Well, are you eating healthfully?”
I try. At least I’m not doing meth!
I don’t remember what they said afterwards, but that interaction will stick with me forever. Not because it hurt my feelings necessarily, but because it clearly illustrated the type of team player I did not want to be.
What this taught me: Never be hypercritical of women in the newsroom. Don’t be someone who brings others down. Empower other women in the newsroom. Be overly supportive. Don’t make this about weight.
Can you tell I’m pregnant here? I was trying to hide it (too soon to announce it!)
EGO
I get asked all the time, ‘Do you think you’ll ever go back to news?’
The answer is no.
First, I chased the dream. I checked the goal off my bucket list. It was a good run.
Second, I learned by observing others that if you left because you were unhappy, and you return, the love for the job doesn’t magically appear. You will still be miserable. And at that point, you are no longer chasing a career. You are chasing your ego. You are chasing a high from a bad relationship.
It’s nice to feel like you’re still wanted, doesn’t it? That you still ‘got it?’ But at what cost?
“At that point, you are no longer chasing a career. You are chasing your ego.”
My mom always says, ‘Money is a temporary motivator.’ When you are working a job that doesn’t bring you happiness or fulfillment, you might be attracted to a flattering offer (a larger, more inflated 6-figure contract) to feel better about yourself. You can tell yourself: ‘Yeah, but at least the pay is good!’
The problem is: Once your lifestyle adjusts to that increase in pay, what is left now? If nothing else changes, nothing else changes.
I can say with full confidence that news is changing in ways that will not bring me happiness. No amount of money will fix that broken relationship.
What this has taught me: Don’t be egotistical. Do not be easily flattered. Ego should not control your happiness.
My ego can starve.